catch88villone

catch88villone @ 2009-12-23T01:16:00

2009-12-23T06:16:49Z

Im so fucking nervous right now...This seems like it will only end with me getting hurt...so im just going to keep on praying that it doesnt end

stressed

2009-07-09T02:07:21Z

getting stressed out....im starting to hate everything....or every one....who knows which....i need some one to pull me out of this....or need to pull myself out....once again who knows which.

sit down...stay a while

2009-06-30T02:39:54Z

so its been a long while since i wrote in here...and it seems all my friends use this site less and less... but i figured i would try to release just a little of the pressure building inside my head...
so im joining the national guard...and i want to leave as soon as possible...jeld wen is slowly killing me inside... and my excuse to every one who questions me about joining is that i want the government to pay for me to go to school....which isnt a bad idea....but i dont know if its the whole truth... i think i just need that new experience, that chance to get away from everything...and ive also been telling every one that i have no intention of being deployed....but part of me wants to...im not 100% sure why....i just think i wanna go....i feel people would treat me different when i get back or before i leave or what ever...im not sure

this next thing that is on my mind is going to make me sound like an ass...but its my opinion and people acted differently maybe my view of this would be different...but i feel like i only have a few real friends left... I used to have this entire group of people that i was willing to do anything for...and i feel like a majority of them either didnt care at all and grew distant....or took advantage of the fact that i dont say no to my friends often and started using me....one of my very best friends in highschool now almost makes me sick with his choices and reasons for calling me

i guess this third order of business is about my love life...or lack there of....and unlike most of my previous posts on here its not because i cant get girls to like me...or think that do to lack of confidence...its that i cant bring myself to like any one....its been 2 years and 3 months since i have had a relationship.... I think since even before then i cant bring myself past the stage of just "liking" some one...you know the initial "crush" stage....where the whole idea is a game where you flirt to see where you stand with some one....i get to the point where the girl likes me and then i back away....i tell them something like "i like you but i dont see it ever being anything more then that" ....or i stop talking to them....which is a huge dirt bag thing to do...recently ive realized im not that nice guy every one thought me to be and that i myself claimed to be....im a dirt bag....my main intent 90% of the time now is to hook up with random girls at parties....the last girl i actually admitted that i wanted nothing more then just the random one night fling...told them i was a dirtbag and didnt care...that they shouldnt expect me to call or even keep in touch....and she really didnt care....she told me i wasnt a dirtbag i was just honest and blunt....since i was last in a relationship i have used a girl for sex....fooled around with 2 girls who had boy friends....stopped talking to 2 girls after leading them on to the point where we made out....and had countless one time drunken make out sessions.....all i want is to be able to feel some thing again... im numb inside and i dont like what its made me into....that sounds like an excuse so ill rephrase.... because i dont feel anything inside ive decided to be scum....i want to change....but i wont....atleast not until i feel something again....even just a flicker or a momentary spark and ill try my hardest to put aside my douche bag ways

DEAD MAN WALKING

2009-03-01T17:34:19Z

I talk a fair amount of shit for being a scrawny white boy...but right now this is not me talking shit... this is me promising that if i get a little more certain that you were the bastard who stole my ipod next time i see you im destroying you... you are a piece of shit wanna be gangsta who wishes he was black and im going to beat it out of you.... my ipod is something that i had to work for....it wasnt given to me....i worked for it....200 bucks....and you think you can just take that....and ashleys .....your fucking dead kid you just dont know it yet

I WISH

2009-01-25T00:00:10Z

I could have something more meaningful then random drunken make out sessions....but for the time being its good enough

my head hurts

2009-01-12T06:36:39Z

good half hour cry will do that i guess...i wish i could just be numb to everything instead sometimes....it seems like it would make things easier....wouldnt have just spent the last halfhour in tears .... wouldnt care i hate my job and many other aspects of my life....shit senior year would have been soo much better....well actually it would have been blank so i wouldnt really care that it was better or even know that it was better....but i sacrifice i would have made

everybodies doing it

2009-01-10T23:04:30Z

TEN WHAT'S
1. What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up?
UGH its early

2. What is something you need to work on?
how i procrastinate

3. What is the most important part of your life?
friends then family

4. What would you rather be doing right now?
it

5. What did you last cry over?
sad movie

6. What always makes you feel better when you're upset?
punching things

7. What are your plans tomorrow?
recover hopefully

8. What's the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
being happy when in their presence

9. What are you worried about?
not applying to college soon enough

10. What are you looking forward to most in the next week?
next weekend

NINE HAVE-YOU-EVER'S
1. Have you ever liked someone who was dating someone else?
yes

2. Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes

3. Have you ever had sex in a public place?
no

4. Have you ever been out of the country?
no

5. Have you ever backstabbed a friend?
i try not to but it happens

6. Have you ever been backstabbed by a friend?
yup

7. Have you ever had the cops called on you?
yes
8. Have you ever dated someone younger then you?
yes

9. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yes

EIGHT WHO'S
1. Who was the last person you saw?
angel and kyle

2. Who was the last person you kissed?
that actually meant something probably melissa...other then that i dont remember because i was drunk and didnt care about it

3. Who was the last person you called?
danny

4. Who was the last person to call you?
kirkwood

5. Who was your first crush?
a girl named amanda

6. Who is the last person to text you?
angel

7. Who is the last person you texted?
angel

8. Who did you last yell at?
idk

SEVEN WHEN'S
1. When was your last shower?
this morning

2. When did you last see your mom?
this morning

3. When was your last kiss?
no idea

4. When did you last talk to your crush?
dont have one :/

5. When was the last time you cried?
two weeks ago i think

6. When did you last go to the movies?
a while back

SIX WHERE'S
1. Where do your best friend(s) live?
Vermont

2. Where did you last go?
west leb

3. Where did your first kiss happen?
in a little kid house at my aunts families house

4. Where do you go to school?
no where :/

5. Where is your favorite place to be?
next to a good looking girl in the morning

6. Where did you sleep last night?
my house

FIVE DO'S/DOES
1. Do you like someone right now?
no

2. Do they know you like them?
no

3. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
sometimes

4. Do you know the muffin man?
the one that lives on drury lane?

5. Does the future scare you?
cant be much worse then now

FOUR WHY'S
1. Why are you best friends with your best friend?
we are there for eachother

2. Why did you get a myspace?
good social tool

3. Why did your parents give you the name you have?
uncles on both sides

4. Why are you doing this survey?
wasting time

THREE IF'S
1. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
charisma .... wait thats not really super....uh ill take my body regenerates itself

2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
yup

3. If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring one thing, what would you bring?
motor boat

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER'S
1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex's if they asked you right now at this very moment?
2 deff yes....the rest prob not

2. Would you ever shave your head to save the person you love?
yea

ONE LAST QUESTION?
1. Are you happy with your life right now?
nope

bye 2008 hello 2009

2008-12-31T21:08:57Z

So i have to say that 2008 unfortunately was one of my worst years... The first day of this new year I had to hear troubling news about a few very good friends on mine....I had to start my first full time job....which i hate with a burning passion....I had to find out that i dont have as many "best friends" as i thought I did and that alot of my friends only talk to me when they need something.... I spent the entire year with out a relationship....a two or three almosts one was my fault it didnt work the other two i had no control over..... I had to watch some of my good friends make bad choices and some make good choices but they made us grow further apart....for the good of 2008 I would have to say all three almost relationships in their prime, I had fun and was temporarilly happy.... The two new york trips I made one to see the giants win the super bowl the other to see jackass take over mtv studios....finding out how immature and evil I am (good or bad take your pick)....finding out who my real friends are....and making a few new friends....so thats it for the good and bad of 2008

2009 a new year for a fresh start....my plans for this year although i doubt half of them will come true is to apply to both BYU and Castleton possibly another school i dont know yet....get into one of those schools....quit my peice of shit job....pay off my college loan in full....travel....meet some new amazing people....have a good healthy steady relationship ( that lasts longer then a few months)....go to school....GROW UP (atleast a little bit).....by the time 2009 rolls around I hope I can say it was a much better year then 2008

bah humbug

2008-12-07T15:52:31Z

I woke up in one of those moods today....where you just hate every one and thing because you get to over analyzing everything.... I went to the store and realized how fucking pathetic people really are.... the cashier in a monotonous voice asked "how are you" I responded in a monotonous voice "good" which is a complete lie because like i said earlier i hate everything today .... its just a automatic response because i notice I seem to say it every damn time a cashier asks me unless im actually in a good mood....because when your actually in a good mood you dont use the word you say shit like really well or great or amazing or fanfuckingtastic you dont say good....and you especially dont say with out any enthusiasm... the worse part about saying good back is after it in the same monotonous voice I also said "you?" ....I didnt know the person or give a shit whether or not her day was as shitty as mine its just one of those programed responses that we spew out of our mouths when were in a robotic trance.... I fucking hate Liars Cheaters Failures and people who always have a dick measuring contest for whose life is worse....by this logic I have to hate myself and it might not be far from the truth... but thats not the part that bothers me the part that bothers me is a hate my friends because of those reasons and i dont know why but even though 90% of the time the only phone calls I get are when people want something and I know it and I hate it but I give it to them any ways.... and I do the same shit with some people and only talk to them when I want something....why the fuck are we all so fucking pathetic and worthless....Im tired of every one myself included ..... holly jolly time of year fuck that its cold gray and miserable outside nothing holly or jolly about it so merry fucking Christmas and lets hear it for another fucking year of me failing to accomplish anything or anyone else actually making any kind of significant difference from last year

nice

2008-11-30T16:27:23Z

so this turned out to be a much better weekend then expected....had amazing food...hung out with some good friends....hung out with some people i dont hang out with very much any more some that i havnt really hung out with for years....got to meet some new people....over all very satisfactory few people i would have liked to have seen but oh well what can you do

hmmm haaaa

2008-10-13T06:12:16Z

so i have no idea what i want....true story no idea....at first i thought i wanted to go back to school right away and never look at another door again....but im not ready yet....im still way too immature to go back to school and believe that ill just get further in debt and thats no good for me....so then i thought to my self....well the army makes people grow up maybe ill do that and that will pay for school aswell.... but then i thought to my self i dont know if i could handle the possibility of having to take some ones life just so i can get money for school and "become a man".... so my most recent thought is to travel....or atleast just get lost for this up coming spring/summer ive been thinking maybe just hitch hiking and camping out all the way out west and back....or maybe i should just hike the long trail spending a few days here and there....my thinking for why I cant stay at jeld wen is basically summed up by a quote from what happens in vegas " I would rather be happy doing nothing then miserable doing something I hate"...I was surprised to find that the inspirational quote that i got was from what happens in vegas...when my current idea is to lose myself in the wilderness and I just watched into the wild....how ever i do not want to do this adventure alone so into the wild did provide a good quote aswell "happiness is real only when shared"...so this spring/summer come share happiness with me as i get lost to try and find myself...a little ironic

whats wrong with my head?

2008-09-17T15:13:31Z

still...its been soo fucking long...ive tried moving on...ive tried ignoring you....your over 2000 miles away...and my head still wont let me forget...with every autumn smell to a dream atleast once a week...its not supposed to last this long

catch88villone @ 2008-09-06T21:14:00

2008-09-07T01:15:05Z

so yea i dont feel like there is anything left for me in this town

depressing? a little

2008-08-12T17:07:46Z

so its getting near that time of year again where every one heads there own way...last year i was so excited about it to end up having probably the worst college experience ever... this year every one is leaving and im still here until January...and i really dont want to be... i didnt even get to hang out with any one who was back from school...now more people are leaving... its just beat as hell...it seems like high school friends rarely make it out of highschool... then they become something closer to an acquaintance... Im turning 20 on the 30th and still not even close to being or wanting to be an adult... i think my biggest wish might actually be to go back to highschool....everything was sooo much easier...now the best I can do is make college this time around not suck nearly as much as it did at keene...I HAVE to get a degree this time...I cant spend my fucking life in a door factory

:/

2008-07-24T02:47:19Z

poop

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2008-07-05T13:58:34Z

hokay so im on my way to the beach in a about a half hour....gonna play some frisbee and make sand castles and catch crabs....the good kind.... go into the ocean and be like hey ocean S my D....gonna play some wiffle ball and go to the arcade and walk the board walk and have millions of beautiful beach going women be like omg that kid is man pretty hahaha idk but im gonna have a good time...peace

catch88villone @ 2008-05-26T22:09:00

2008-05-27T02:10:35Z

some times i just want to bury the needle in my car and see what happens

?!?!?!

2008-05-19T05:41:40Z

ahhhhhh...for a week that started so crappy im happy at its conclusion and hope that it will keep getting better...i know it will...and hey college kids your back for summer...lets hang out...

catch88villone @ 2008-04-20T08:46:00

2008-04-20T12:49:52Z

so i am having an amazing weekend....yesterday was beautiful and i went to the driving range and i played kickball and then i saw stephen lynch play in keene....today im golifng in about an hour and then im going to play football...then im hanging out with nate for a little while to catch up on scrubs then im going to see the forbidden kingdom....then tuesday(i know its not part of the weekend) the reel big fish in burlington....going to be fun.....peace love

i found this on some blog yet i think it describes perfectly why i suck so much

2008-04-12T06:43:47Z

"why nice guys are such losers"
You hear it all the time: "He was such a NICE Guy, and she's such a Heartless Bitch for dumping him."

I get letters from self-professed Nice Guys, complaining that women must WANT to be treated like shit, because THEY, the "Nice Guy" have failed repeatedly in relationships. This is akin to the false logic that "Whales are mammals. Whales live in the sea. Therefore, all mammals live in the sea."

If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.

What's wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys (tm) are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually paid some kind of attention to him.

Nice Guys exude insecurity -- a big red target for the predators of the world. There are women out there who are "users" -- just looking for a sucker to take advantage of. Users home-in on "Nice Guys", stroke their egos, take them for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It's no wonder so many Nice Guys complain about women being horrible, when the so often the kind of woman that gets attracted to them is the lowest form of life...

Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find "Nice Guys" to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure.

Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a "lets get together for coffee" date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They think they know about romance, but their timing is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around pretending to be "friends", in the hope that somehow, someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a "date".

They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be -- not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them.

They cling to her, and want to be "one" with her for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.

Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it's being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.

Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising and negotiating, they repeatedly "give in". When she doesn't appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain that, "Everything I did, I did for her.", as if this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn't want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.

Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that "no one will ever love her as much as I do." Instead of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: "You are a difficult person, and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I'm here."

The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue... But love isn't mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is: "Who would want to go out with someone who was inherintly unlovable anyways?"

More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy NEEDS her. "She is my Life, my only source of happiness..." YECH! What kind of a burden is that to place on her? That SHE has to be responsible for YOUR happiness? Get a grip!

Another mistake Nice Guys make is to go after "hard luck" cases. They deliberately pick women with neuroses, problems, and personality disorders, because Nice Guys are "helpers". A Nice Guy thinks that by "helping" this woman, it will make him a better, more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him more, for all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually disappointed by the results.

This ultimately boils down to the fact that Nice Guys don't like themselves. Is it any wonder women don't like them? In order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Too often Nice Guys mistake obsession for "love".

Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN'T SEXY. IT'S A TURNOFF.

You don't have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have to LIKE yourself. You have to know what you want out of life, and go after it. Only then will you be attractive to the kind of woman with whom a long-term relationship is possible.

five dollar foot long

2008-04-10T06:57:05Z

around this time of year i allways used to have something to look forward to...the end of the school year....this is the first year i dont have that...in fact i dont have anything to look forward to except nicer weather...which i wont get to see because ill be in a warehouse 8 hours in the middle of the day...i put a bid on a first shift job...my boss allready told me i wont get it....i hate the management department at jeldwen..they are lying ass holes...when i first went in i told them i wanted a first shift position anyways...they said they didnt have one open and that they didnt hire people for first shift....the kid who was in my orientation ( who was a fucking idiot) got hired for a first shift position....and jesica saso i heard got hired there like a week after me to a first shift position...basically all im bitching about is that i want to be on first shift....

woulda coulda shoulda

2008-04-07T05:24:52Z

why would i waste a perfectly good thing for something that never had a shot...even if the perfectly good thing wasnt perfect it was still something....what do i have at the moment?....long nights and mornings all by myself with nothing to look forward to....well atleast this weekend should be fun....

amazing night tonight

2008-03-30T05:03:09Z

so this is one of the best nights ive had in a long time...so i bought a new man thong...it fits awkwardly i think i need to shave and or trim my pubs....hahaha and i got a jester hat to go with it....then i took krystal out to dinner.....brought her flowers and met her mom first...then picked up caitlyn becca and cammy and went cosmic bowling...that was fun...im scared im going to get my hopes to high this time...but who knows maybe im just worrying about something that i shouldnt be....oh and i was soo excited i found out some one hates me....you might not think that is a good thing to find out but i was a little disappointed like not even the people i despise hate me yet some one else does....hahahahha i find it funny...maybe he'll try to fight me....that would be funny too...hahaha im a dick....ok goodnight

hmmm

2008-03-17T17:37:19Z

just when i want to give up my mind tells me something different....or atleast my dreams do....i dont think im going to really care about the dream thing though cuz its never worked out for me anyways....i messed shit up i should have just went for what i could have had and not tried to shoot for the stars and end up alone like always if you fly to close to the sun your wings will melt

hopes 2 high

2008-03-11T18:04:37Z

possibly...but arnt they always